I have abandoned this blog for awhile. Instagram just feels so much easier to micro-blog on. Yet I dont want to stop this blog – I realise I’ve been blogging since 2001!! 15 years!!! 

Not sure who reads this but if you leave a comment, that would be nice. It’s always nice to hear from someone who reads the blog. I talk gibberish mostly, so thanks for dropping by! 

Anyway recently I’ve had an experience at work that made me feel like such a failure. I hate making mistakes and I hate doing things that displeases people. So now I feel like a total noob and destroying my confidence.

But yknow, I have to remember my own words. This is what I posted recently on instagram @bruwomendo:

The Impostor Girl

When I first started working, I felt like such a an impostor. I kept thinking “what am I doing here??” I felt like one day, someone would see right through me and tell me that I dont belong in this profession. Amy Cuddy’s tedx talk, who put it so eloquently, was so relatable. She told of her story after a bad traffic accident, where she had brain injury and her IQ dropped by two standard deviations. She worked hard in uni and finally graduated from Princeton. In her first year working at Harvard business school, she was so scared of giving her first talk that she told her advisor that she wanted to quit. Her advisor said “YOU ARE NOT! You’re going to do the talk and do the next one and the next one. You will fake it till you make it!” And she did just that. One day, a student came up to her in distress and almost in tears. “I’m not supposed to be here!” And then she (Amy) got it. She realised that she no longer felt that way, which showed how far she has come. But also that she KNOWS how this student feels.

When I was in uni, grappling with my work, surrounded by all these amazing, brilliant, clever people, I felt the same way — I’m not supposed to be here. I pretend to be this person holding a stethoscope and listening to people’s problems but I am not like that doctor or that doctor. I cannot imagine myself to be like my housemate, cool and confident, suavely answering questions – like Meredith in Grey’s Anatomy. But by Allah’s grace, I did it. I passed medical school. I went through my housemanship years. I passed my interviews and secured myself into paediatric specialty training programme. Even as a doctor, I was having these low moments, my confidence spiking and waning. I did all my paediatric exams. I failed and I passed and I failed and I passed. 

And as time passed and I grew on experience, I realise I no longer have those panic, distressed moments, feeling like I do not belong. That I ‘should not be here’. For those, who like me, has issues with self confidence, remember this:

You will do it.

You will do it today and you will do it tomorrow.

You will fake it.

But you will keep doing it until you become it.

So I have to keep remembering this.

I just have to do my best and work hard. That’s all I can do and all people expect from me. 

Sigh.

Sometimes I just hate the responsibility we carry. 

Lotsa love,

me

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