My ray of sunshine

I am fully aware that I haven’t written here for awhile. I keep wanting to but …. time … procrastination …. tiredness…..

Ayman has been unwell the last few days. He was treated for chest infection, with a brief stay in PAU (paediatric assessment unit). He’s on the road to recovery alhamdulillah, no more fever and back to eating normal meals. He was refusing bottle and was just feeding off me early on in the week.

One of my patient’s mother sang to her baby (7 month old) whilst we were doing bloods. The baby was wailing at being held and taken bloods off him. And the nurse asked the mum to sing in the hope to calm him. She sang …

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are grey,
You don’t know dear how much I love you,
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

That song always touched a nerve in me. I sang that to Zayan when he was ill with croup (needing a night’s stay in the hospital) and that period of sickness reminded me of my son’s mortality. How he could potentially be taken away from me, and how helpless I felt. You go through days when his toddler (tantrumy, sensitive) ways makes you feel frustrated and then this happens and you feel “please dont take my sunshine away”.

A friend from back in uni days passed away yesterday. From cancer I think. I haven’t heard from him for years. But I remember the fun things we used to do, his kindness and friendliness, his sense of humor, always ready to entertain whenever we dropped by the boys’ house. All I kept thinking of was him in his bicycle carrying kilos of meat as he offered to buy halal meat for us girls. His bike obviously heavy from the meat and him biking along trying to balance himself. Ya Allah, may he be continously rewarded for his good deeds.

In our whatsapp group, there was collective sadness over him but also on how we kept promising to meet up and keep in touch. We were all such a close big family (ok I was the only ‘out’ bruneian one but hey aku ikut2an masuk in the msian family too k) and now….

I have to say, they were an instrumental part in making me a better, stronger muslim. I learnt more about the deen from them. They encouraged me to pray wherever and whenever and yet never judged. I love them to bits and I wish, I hope I can see them pretty soon. Maybe stop by KL when we next go home….

On one of the life coaching sessions, she asked me what my core values are. It took me awhile to think of what. makes me me, for I feel a part of me has diminished since having kids. Then she asked what do I want people to remember me as if I pass away. And she said people will remember kindness, and patience, and sense of humor and will forget about how many times you’re late to work. It kind of brings home to looking at the big picture. We concluded one of the things that I am is being ‘optimistic’, which also means I want to be in the good side of people, that I want to please people all the time. The thing that makes me feel on edge at work these days is the thought that people think I’m crap. So I overthink things when I go home, thinking I should have done this, said this, done that. What’s my point … my point is that I need to stop wanting to please people and focus on things that makes me feel complete and at rest. When my time comes, I hope people wouldnt think of those things that I’m worried about, the things I lack in as a doctor.

Also, we (life coach and I) concluded that yes, being kind and patient is all good for me, but I need to work on being organised and efficient and doing more creative and sporty things to make me feel happy. Because I dont focus on those things, I do not feel complete.

Fuh. Rambling really. I hope it all makes sense.

Signing out,
me

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