Breaking down

Last week I broke down. Not just the once, I dont know how many times exactly, but I cried a few times.

I felt so exhausted. And angry. And my patience was running out low all the time. I mean, I wasnt angry all the time. I had a switch button that seemed to click on easily over the slightest thing that Zayan did. I used to be more patient and have higher threshold to being angry.

It was a combination of things: Zayan acting up more, crying and demanding for the littlest things. Him having more accidents. Having to wash pee stained clothes/rug all the time (ok exaggeration, maybe once every other day. But there was one time he wet himself in pants twice in a day). Me having to do everything with and for him (Ayah just doesnt do anymore). Ayman having synchronised crying sessions with Zayan. Doing housework on top of it (and it’s just the basic washing, laundry, cooking and tidying house). It’s not like I iron or clean windows as well.

I was just exhausted and lonely and needing more sleep. It felt like I dont really stop from the moment I wake up at 7 am (cos that’s when Zayan wakes up) to 9 pm (when Zayan sleeps).

Despite not really having a schedule, my days are all about time. Time to change nappy, time to feed baby, time to bring Zayan to
pee before he wets himself,
time to cook, time to feed self and child, time to change nappy and feed again, time to
go toilet again with Zayan, time to wash up, Zayan’s bedtime (which is an affair of its own).

Anyway I vented it out to friends and family. And it must have helped because after that,
that feeling of extreme exhaustion and ‘at the end of my tethers’ went away after a few days. And
I pray everyday that each day will be a good

I know zayan is wanting attention, hence his behaviour. So I’m trying to give more hugs and kisses and ‘Zayan and mama’ time. And holding my tongue from being angry (out loud). As for the ‘pee accidents’, I had a day when I just put him
on nappies until M and the nursery staff discouraged me from doing it. He’s back on pants now.

If there are mummies out there who feel similarly, dont worry. These feelings will pass. Also a lengthy (had four hours at one point!) nap in the day may also help.

Lotsa love,


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2 responses to “Breaking down

  1. Nisa

    I thoroughly and completely feel you girl. I’m just hanging on a prayer here.. 😥

  2. Fiz

    Thanks, Nisa! I was just talking to my friend – I remember masa zayan baby, When I was on night shifts, I had more rest at work than at home! I think it’s the fact that we are far from home jua that makes it harder and takes an emotional/mental toll. (I just want free babysitters and good company hehe) Inda apa, everyday we pray for a good day and hope that it will be!

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