Just because

There’s a poster in the breastfeeding room in neonatal unit explaining what happens inthe first few days – week after birth, in terms of milk production and feeding. Randomly, it mentions how at day 3-4, mums can get emotional and that this is entirely normal.

It’s day 5 today and since that first emotional day after finding out re baby’s condition, I haven’t cried ever since. But today, there has been many snappy moments and ‘I
suddenly wanna cry, lump in my throat’ moments – with no trigger to it. Well, yknow aside from having my son still in hospital.

I can’t bring myself to talk to people about how I truly feel. Because I know that…

This too shall pass
I have to be patient
Baby will get better and be home soon
Things could be worse
Allah knows best
Ada hikmahnya ni

I.know.

I just am sad. Just. Because.

So tonight I’m going to wallow in my tears, sad because I don’t have my son with me, that I am a new mother who feels useless without a baby cryinng for a feed every 1-2 hrs. That I dont know what to do with myself – not yet excited of this new chapter of my life but yet not too frightened of the future.

I want to be sad tonight and tomorrow I will smile again.

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