I have to write here. Because it would be the last post of this year EVERRRRRR. (or maybe not, maybe I’ll write again later).
So even though it’s almost 2 am, and I’ve finished work only an hour ago, and pretty sure I’ll be woken up by zayan in 5 hrs time, I will sacrifice sleeping time for a few minutes of writing here.
I used to be so good at writing a post and summarizing the whole year. Cant be bothered now. Nada masa lagi, NADA!
Actually, I was reading back my old post and it’s kinda funny. My writing style has definitely changed. I’m different now I feel. Less bouncy and hyper. More mellow. I look at the world differently now. I used to think what’s next, what’s next, what else is there to do, where is my life going to be in 5 years time. And whilst there’s still a part of me that does think like that, I’m mostly ‘meh…we’ll see what each day brings’. Because with a kid and a career that hopefully will progress, I just dont know what will happen next. Kids are pretty unpredictable.
Anyway, I found this on my old blog. A letter to my friend Sehr (dated 29 January 2006, 12.30 am):
My dearest Saz, how are you? I’m sorry ive been pretty quiet lately. I’ve been so busy, sometimes i feel i have no time for myself. Life has been pretty tiring and rough for the past few months but I’m surviving 🙂 i’m going back home soon and i cant wait. Although ive been here for almost 5 yrs now, home is the best place to be isnt it? Saz, sometimes i wonder whether what i’m working for is worth the time i sacrifice away from my family. My grandparents and parents are not getting any younger and i feel that i should embrace the little time i have with them. I havent been a good daughter these years, and i should remember all this when i go back home. (and not jet off with my friends day in, day out. hrhr)
There’s so many things that happened since i saw you. I wish i can see you and it would make things easier (esp for my hand, i’m gonna get carpel tunnel with all this writing). So anyway, i’ve passed! *huge grin* I’m going to start clinicals now, trailing after docs, being interrogated and looking like an idiot when i dont know the answer (hopefully this doesnt occur often), trying to not fall asleep during the ward rounds, asking intrusive questions at (to?) patients and most importantly, NO MORE LECTURES!!!!!
well, to make the story short, let’s just say…. Perhaps i have to kiss a few ugly frogs before I meet my prince charming. LOL my brother was right Sehr, it’s the nicest one we have to look out for. Remember that ok? That will be one of the wisest advice your friend here has given. As i write this, i’m shaking my head. Some people just makes you wonder…. how can people be so unthoughtful and insensitive. or is it just me Saz? But dont you worry of me! I wont turn into some (more) bitter woman, ive shed enough tears and vent too much frustrations on the opposite sex 🙂 As Tessa (or is it Becca?) would say, chin up!
That aside, ive been thinking about a lot of things. about how i want to be famous in Brunei one day. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. But i’m not sure how i’m gonna be famous. Good publicity please, i dont want bad publicity. hmmm so ive been thinking how im going to make myself famous. HAHA No, not really. Ive been thinking…. i wanna change someone’s life. I mean, we’re put in this earth to serve not only God but also to do good deeds, be as good a person we can. but i also think there must be other purpose of my life. like i’m supposed to change someone’s life. make someone happy. make a difference. help people. i’m just not sure. i want to do more than ‘just’ live my life. i wanna do SOMETHING! like a HUGE thing. the qs now is….. what is it i want to do? Will get back to you if ever i manage to come up with a good plan. There’s a few random thoughts in my head but i just cant seem to write it on paper.
Now, if I were to write to her again. Here it goes:
My dearest Sahara,
Today my cousin asked me how long I’ve lived in Leicester for. And realise I’ve lived here for almost 11 years now – and a total of 13 years including our Headington years. It just dawned on me on how long that is. A DECADE. That’s crazy long.
I feel bad in a way, I’m pretty sure my parents would love for me to come back home. That’s 13 years of missing their daughter. I’m not sure if I can miss Zayan that long 😦
It was so nice to see you a few weeks ago, though wished our time would extend more than a few hours. I think we wont stop talking though even after days and days together. When we were walking down Edgeware road, I think Yelly said that she cant believe that I have a son now and it’s bizarre seeing me as a mum. It does feel a bit odd having Zayan around with you guys. You guys were like my LIFE 13 years ago and now, here I am. A wife and a mum. Doing paeds. (Somehow it never crossed my mind to do paeds all these years ago. Though I’m sure people who know me are not surprised at all)
I dont feel that old though. Maybe a little tired. And a part of me wishes I can do this and that, and jet off to here and there. But life is life. And THAT life was different, now a new part of my life has come up. As much as I like to jet off, I cant bear the thought of leaving Zayan or mumtathil behind though. It’s like – having one down means a less complete of a life. Like the adventures will not be the same without one of them.
Anyway 2013 almost almost gone now, what has 2013 brought for me?
It will be the year that I havent gone back to Brunei. The first year that has ever happened. InsyaAllah, the only year.
I passed Part 2 exam.
Zayan turned 2.
We moved house.
I went back to full time.
I organised a charity sale to raise money for children in Syria.
I became an avid user of Instagram.
Looking back, it’s the little things really that has brought smiles and laughter in my life. I mean, how can I encapsulate those little moments with my colleagues where we shared a laugh over something (jokes of which I dont even remember now but it WAS funny!). And those moments where Zayan made me think I’m the luckiest momma in the world. And even though we havent done anything SPECTACULAR or M has done anything “OMG! Romantic gilerrr!”, I look at him and think ‘How did we know this was right?’ and I am ever so thankful for all the blessings I have. It’s that everyday things that actually makes my heart swells and though I dont think about it much, those are the things that keep me going and be bouncy (from time to time).
Ok, I’m just rambling now.
Lotsa love, Fiz
PS AND yes, I’m so happy to have met my Prince Charming now. Who would have thought that I would get to know him that following year I wrote to you…but I only realise I want to be in his happily ever after 5 years later……
PPS I wrote that I want to change someone’s life. I think I dont have to look far. I’m already having a mega impact in someone’s life now. His name is Zayan.
PPS I’m still not famous. Hrmph.