Trying to re-correct my sleeping pattern these days/nights.
Insomnia aside, the other night we went for some steam-boat treat at Mus (M’s brother) & Jian’s place. We haven’t visited their place ever so it was quite nice to poke around someone’s flat 😛 Jian was quite obsessed with my bump, looking at it ever so often and asking qs about pregnancy. Was quite cute.
Nearly there now. Has it been 9 months already? Jian asked whether I kept a diary throughout and I wish I did – but I guess, in a way, I was through this blog. Though I think I complained more about work than anything else!!
I’ve been restraining talking ‘too much’ about pregnancy as well, lest I turn into *gasps* a pregnancy blog. Somehow the thought scares me… I dont want/mean to sound like a selfish mum to be, but I guess a part of me wants to retain me, though I know inevitably being a mother will consume me and I will no longer be just me. I will soon understand what my parents and parents of my parents and all other parents when they say they can’t stop worrying about their child until….. until when? That I’m an extension of someone else and that I will no longer be selfish into ‘I,I,I…’. There will be someone else’s needs to meet. No, I know that will happen. But I do want a part of me still to be retained, and I write of things in case I forget about them. Is that asking too much?
Flipping the coin, I do want to remember my pregnancy days. I won’t say it’s a constant bundle of joy but it wasn’t a burden either. Well, bowel problems and random body pains aside :p
So, let me remember this:
1. I knew about it very earlier on. I didn’t have any symptoms but we were kinda planning for it, so every month, I’ll be waiting for the no-show. In April this year, before my monthly time was due, I decided to check it. There is no reasoning behind my action, except for I just felt it. Or perhaps that night, coming back from home, I was so overly distressed about work – that sadness/distress where you can just curl up in the toilet and cry and cry (in the toilet because I didnt want to distress M seeing me like that), I wanted so badly to have it that I checked it.
And it was two faint straight lines. I couldn’t believe it. M couldn’t believe it – he didn’t even know I bought a test.
2. Left it for another week (how did I ever manage to hold that long??), and I checked it again. Made M buy another one but he bought a cheap Tesco one that cost GBP 2. Like hello, mine cost GBP 5….shouldn’t we get a more accurate one? This time, it was as obvious as ever.
3. Can’t remember how many weeks I was when we told our parents. But I remember M saying to my family on skype ‘Fizah berisi’ – which was epic really. (Whenever M cakap melayu, even just one word, Mama would burst into giggles…so easy!)
4. We went to Thailand for ‘our last holiday’ and spent 5 days there when I was about 11 weeks pregnant. No symptoms except for major lack of bowel movement and feeling bloated. That aint fun ok, and it actually made me enjoy the hols less. We went paragliding, which made a lot of people naik kirai. To be honest, as I didn’t have a bump as yet, it didn’t even occur to us that I shouldn’t be doing it. I mean, I resisted going scuba diving because of the pressures…but it didnt occur then that I shouldn’t do it. Pregnant women are considered fragile creatures, and rightly so. What makes someone miscarry? Genetic causes definitely, congenital infections. But invariably, we don’t know. But Alhamdulillah, nothing happened and I had a grand grand time 🙂
5. When we were in Bru, we had our very first scan. We were both still in that disbelief mode until we saw baby and I can see his atriums and ventricles…. well, there’s definitely a baby in there, not phantom pregnancy my boy! That’s what I remembered the most, looking at his heart pumping away.
6. In my first scan here, I asked the dr if he could see sex of the baby. After the scan, called M and went ‘Guess whaaaat?? It’s a boy!!’. He thought that it was going to be a secret from us, oops! Too late!
7. Going on-call without eating and perhaps not drinking much (1 glass kali saja?) for 12 hours. I remember that weekend, weekend oncalls are always hell for me anyway. But what freaked me out was having really dark discharge (old blood?? I feared – since I didn’t go to toilet the whole time too). It hit home that I have to take better care of myself from then on.
8. Work aside, I ate a lot in the beginning – before I found out that having big meals lead to feeling bloated. To be honest, I think I ate a lot because I felt now I have a reason to eat a lot and not worry about my weight. Not that I’ve been worried about it really before. But it was like this gate is open now!
** Misconception really: Because excess weight gain is not good for you and that it can lead to gestational diabetes and all other things weight gain can bring – more back/hip pain, knees hurt more, etc etc.
9. As I grew, random women in streets started looking at me strangely, with this smile on their face and going ‘awwwh’ in their head. Even if they dont say it, I know that’s what they’re thinking!
10. Having random women (friends and acquaintances) reaching out their hand to touch belly. I don’t mind really but I wish they would ask first.
11. Having fun watching baby kick and roll around. Sometimes I think he’s doing somersaults in there and other times, it feels like he’s tugging on something. Not the umbilical cord surely?
12. Having the comfort of knowing there’s a friend during all those times I felt stressed by work or when I was sleeping alone at home when M’s on nights. And him kicking away too whenever I feel distressed. I thank Allah for giving me that comfort.
13. Talking to baby about what we should eat. Our fav topic of conversation.
13. I cannot see my belly button now. In fact, my belly button has been protruding embarassingly. Seriously, it’s never been so clean in my entire life (easier to clean now) and I like to press on it and go ‘ting tong, anybody there?’ (usually in my head I say this. I occasionally say it out loud in front of M and any receptive audience).
…………. I don’t know if it was the medic in me but I saw the pregnancy in stages.
When I hit 13 weeks, I thought – first trimester over, decrease chances of miscarriage.
24 weeks, decrease chances of miscarriage even more. In fact, at this time, it will be called stillbirth. And if baby do come out, it will be considered as ‘viable’ for life. In plain english, it means that if baby comes out and starts crying or showing signs of life, drs will try to resuscitate baby.
28 weeks, 2nd trimester over. Mortality rate decreases if baby comes out, ie. baby has higher chance of survival compared to say 26 weeker. Still not good, but the statistics are better.
30 weeks, if baby comes out, it will be born reasonably ok – still major issues: lung and feeding problem – but the mortality rate will be better. At this time, I started thinking seriously about buying baby stuff.
36 weeks, almost there. And I finally relaxed and let myself be excited.
And now at 37 weeks, I just can’t wait for you baby! I pray that you will be born strong and healthy and nothing of these worst case scenarios I fear of. And if anything happens to you, I pray that we will be given the strength to deal with it. Amin. Until then, you can keep growing and cocooned and snuggled warm in my tummy.
Love, your oven of a mummy(to be)