Officially shittiest day ever today.
Non stop clerking. My registrar having a little go at me – ok he didnt, he was giving positive criticism (so I said to myself to stop me from crying. Surely I can take positive criticism!). When I asked him to review someone, he disagreed with my examination (I thought this baby had a distended tummy, but he didnt) and then went to say that I should be confident, I should make my own decisions, etc etc.
So I was about to pray at the time. Went to the toilet and took deep breaths (I’m not good with criticism) and figured ok, I’ll learn from this. But that incident just made me feel crap afterwards.
Too many patients, only one clerking person (had to ask the reg after awhile) and staff nurses then having a go because I referred too many to the ward. Oh A&E was having a go too because the patient was breaching.
To summarise, today I felt like the crappiest doctor. I don’t need to have people having a go unnecessarily (see above: nurses), I’m trying my best here!!!!! I know now why I’m feeling unhappy with work. It’s not that I dont enjoy the job itself (working with kids, the whole paeds thing) but I don’t feel acknowledged. I don’t know if I’m doing alright. I think my seniors think I’m crap (not that they’ve said anything, I just imagine/think they are). I feel like I’m working like a dog (as do the rest of the SHOs) but we’re not acknowledged for any of it. We’re just expected to get on with it. I look at the other paediatric trainee and I don’t think she’s having any problems, struggling in any way, she seems pretty confident – everything that I’m not feeling or experiencing (I’ve never worked with her, I just know all this).
Am I right or am I being my harshest critic?
Today I think I’m a better baker than I am a doctor.