Zayan says…

It’s 1 am and I’m so gonna regret this later for being awake still. There’s a strong urge to write and this time, I don’t feel able to push it away!

So this week is part of my 12 day stretch of working. So far, so good (kinda… had a bit of momentary breakdown but I blame the lack of food). Anyway so many things to talk about – none of which is terribly exciting but if we dont talk about the mundane everyday stuff, we’ll forget what we live through each day, no?

Let’s talk about how vocal Zayan is being these days.

Zayan says the funniest things like…

– “What’s your problem?” on random times of the day. Out of nowhere. And it sounds rude but actually he is genuinely asking if I have any problems.

– I was at the end of my tethers last weekend, solo parenting, both kids crying. Ayman wanted to sleep but Zayan was being too loud and crying for no apparent reason. I started crying then, Zayan went “STOP CRYING! Mama no crying…” and I went “You stop crying!” He stopped after that. I think he was more concerned that his mother has broken down.

– He has been sleeping in our bed these days, partly because I moved his mattress back to his room but he somehow finds his way back into our bed. Today he went to his bed and tucked himself in.

Zayan: Zayan not scared. There’s no monsters…
Me: Yes, there’s no monsters.
Zayan: Zayan buy nerf gun shoot monsters. (Ayah punya kraja ni installing nerf gun ideas)

Oh Zayan!

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Running again

Today was a semi nice weather in the afternoon. Bit windy but sunny. I decided I’ll actually get up and go out for a jog. I haven’t properly jogged since … a long time ago. I didnt jog when I was pregnant with Ayman (not after the 12th week anyway) and so, that makes it at least a year of no jogging. Gasps!

Anyway I declared I wanted to go jogging but didnt actually make it out until an hour later. The sloth in me was thinking I should just put it off, kesian M looking after the kids (who were playing nicely) AND cook at the same time. Eventually I donned my athletic gear and away I went. Jogging with enthusiasm for five minutes and then…. slowing down….. sakit, sakit. My lungs actually felt like it was on my fire. Is this how unfit people (me) feel like? No wonder people dont want to exercise! This is pain! Where are the endorphins???? I seriously wondered why I like jogging so much previously… I didn’t see any joy in it. I persisted though, stopping and starting so many times… and the fire burning in my lungs died down and it wasnt so bad after awhile.

Phew. Hope it wouldnt be another year till the next jog!

Oh, I have to share this…

So when I went back home, I took the kids out for a lil walk around our neighbourhood. There were a group of Asian boys playing a few doors down. Zayan declared he wanted to say “hi to the boys”, so I said ok, on our way back you can say hi. They were on the other side of the street by then playing football. Zayan was still set on saying hi. I said ok… waited for him as he crossed. He approached them, looking so small and so short compared to the boys (who looked 8-10 years old), his hands crossed at the back of him. He slowed down and stood behind them, they were too engrossed in their game. I came over, Ayman on my hips and said he just wanted to say hi. So, they stopped playing and the boy closest to Zayan came up to him and asked “You alright?” Zayan nodded and rooted around his pocket for something (he always has a toy in his pockets.. except this time he didnt). I prodded him to tell his name… instead he asked their names. The boys were so sweet, melayan tia jua kan anak damit ani and then asked his name. He replied “Abang…” and said “and that Ayman!” as he pointed to his brother. Zayan has this confidence, except he cant talk properly/pronounce things well and still has some social immaturity in him (like wanting to show toy before introducing self). It was all too endearing to watch though. I wish there were more boys his age around here but all I see are older boys.

Anyway thats it from me for today. Ta!

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Of writing again

Have I mentioned that I have these sessions with a life coach? I think I have mentioned it before. It’s a long story why I’ve been asked to see a life coach. It’s part of my training – basically my supervisors in previous rotation think I need to be more assertive and so suggested seeing someone to develop this assertiveness.

So anyway, part of the words of wisdom she imparted to me is finding/discovering/remembering my core values. And bringing this into my work. I didnt really get it at first… she asked what makes me ME. There was a long pause and I admitted … I had to think about it first because I don’t remember who I am anymore. I mean, who I am now feels different from pre-kids era. I used to be so into sports. I loved photography. I loved curling up to read with a cuppa tea and a book. I guess I am still me but just don’t have the time to do all those things anymore. And in not doing those things anymore, I feel different from who I was before. Does this all make sense? I feel like I’m not me without doing the things I love for myself.

And one of the things I love doing is writing. I would love to write everyday on this blog. I love writing here, even if it’s just rambling. But I feel like when I write, it needs to be a proper post. Maybe it doesn’t have to be though. Maybe I should just let the pen do the writing, or the fingers do the tapping. On a sidenote, I read a book once on how to write a book (or something like that) and it suggested writing everyday for at least thirty minutes without any corrections. Just write without thinking. See where it gets you.

So let me try this. To write something, anything in here everyday. We’ll see how long this lasts!

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Teen books: yay or nay?

I can’t seem to relax properly these days. Granted half the time I’m just recovering from yet another oncall and also recovering from my never-ending cold (my body is telling me I need to take care of myself better). I realise in the last 20 days that I’ve worked, half of it was oncall shifts.

I would like to do something enjoyable. Something to relax myself in. Like reading. But I find the book is either too long, too boring or too many difficult words. The only non-medical thing I read now (aside from facebook articles) are these short stories by Umm Zakiya. Anyone heard of it? It’s actually pretty addictive! I’m following this short story that comes out every friday… intriguing! Tapi annoying jua because she writes of these stereotypical way of Muslim converts (I feel it’s stereotypical anyway – but I guess there are people like that in the world).

My friend suggested I read a teen book. Because then I’ll feel accomplished after reading one because it’s so easy and quick to read. You see, after long shifts, all I want to do is just relax my brain and not be too emotionally attached on a storyline. Sounds like a good idea. Ha, maybe I’ll take her word for it. Anyone out there of good suggestions of teen books? Am I going to regret this?

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Starting work

*Written a week ago*

I know it’s been awhile since I last wrote but we know that it was pretty inevitable ever since I started work.

I don’t know where to start, so I’m just gonna ramble ok and you can maze through my thoughts with me.

Today is day 10 of 12 working, 5 of which are oncall shifts (9 am to 9 pm). I should be on 9-5 today but they were short of regs, and basically got asked to do a random night shift instead. I kinda suggested it to them and as the words came out of my mouth, I was regretting it. Am I ready for a night shift? Am I ready for 12 hours of being the most senior paediatric dr in the hospital? My oncalls have been ok so far, but there’s always time for more catastrophe.

And then I thought – oh no, a night without Ayman. I don’t know how he’ll do … he’s generally ok at night now. He wakes up 1-2 times at night and after feed, just goes back to sleep. Sigh I think I’ll just miss him more than he misses me.

As for work, I feel like I’m on this steep learning curve, learning everyday on how to manage and lead. To stick to common sense. To take a deep breath as you get berated by yet another angry parent (for making them wait).


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FB Detox

I’m on facebook detox. It’s been 3 days now, no withdrawal symptoms as yet. A little part of me thinks whether I’m missing any major updates but figured any major news will be told on whatsapp or directly to me anyway! It was starting to annoy/bother me that:

1. I kept seeing stupid articles of things like ‘why homeopathy is good for curing cancer (as opposed to conventional treatment)’ or some C-celebrity said this or did this. Yawn, do I care. And why am I reading this anyway. Can you hear the sound of my brain cells dying?

2. I end up watching random videos that really didnt benefit or add to my life whatsoever. Like whyyyyy did I just waste two minutes of my life on that.

See, it feels like it’s only a few minutes but I reckon it adds up when I keep clicking on fb whenever I’m bored. Macam ehhh twenty minutes have gone! Plus I’m wondering whether by relinquishing my time, I would be encouraged to do other things… like read a book.

Speaking of which, I’ve bought so many books but none is appealing to me now. #bookslump

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Some life coaching

So today I saw a life coach. Yes, life coaches are for realz. I would love to be a life coach but I dont think I have the energy and enthusiasm of a life
coach. She’s not exactly bubbly, she smiles appropriately, but she has this warmth to her and a positive attitude. I guess you’ll have to have a positive attitude being a life coach! Mun inda makin tia depressed and suicidal urang.

So anyway, I am neither depressed nor suicidal. Nor do I think I needed any life coaching. I have been recommended by my supervisors from last post to work on being assertive. And since this life coaching is available as part of our teaching programme, I can have four sessions with her. Now at first I was offended and insulted and my confidence was knocked back…. and then when I met her, she was actually pretty helpful. It also came at a good time, before my exam when I needed all the help to boost my confidence and presentation skills.

So good in fact that I have to share to you, my dear readers (perasan ramai), her knowledge and wisdom.

1. Fake it till you become it

After failing my clinical exam yet for the second time and a demotivating discussion with my supervisor, my confidence was at an all time low. I’ve always had confidence issues since I was young, cropping up behind me every now and then, a voice inside saying that I’m not smart enough, that I’m not cut out to be xxxxx (insert whatever I am aiming for at the time). In high school, I kept comparing myself to my brainy classmate next to me and had to reaffirm the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt like a mantra: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Anyway, then come uni and I compared myself to my best friend. She’s so much more clever than me, such a pretty girl, vibrant and vivacious (ha she probably hates me saying that, but you are my dear!). But she was the one who picked me up time and time again, giving me the GANBATTE vibes throughout uni. Over time, I learnt to love ME.

I’ve learnt over the years that to get through the exams and general medical life, you have to have self assurance and confidence. Much of our working life involves leading and making snap decisions. If you don’t sound confident, no one’s gonna listen to you, not your juniors, not the nurses, heck not your patients. I remember shadowing this junior dr (I was a med student at the time) and he was smart, confident and really good. Then he turned to us and said “You know a lot of this is bullshitting… just say things in a confident way and people will listen to you.” Now I’m not saying we should be reckless and do stupid things and act like it’s right. But it’s more of instilling confidence in others about your decision. The doctor that fumbles and flaps will not be taken seriously, people will start questioning even if he’s saying and doing the right thing.

Even to this day, I don’t feel that smart at all, I feel like an impostor on some days. Like say what I’m a paediatric registrar now?

Until I came across this life coach and this TED talk she recommended me watching. It tells us about how your body can influence your mind. By generating powerful poses, you emit self confidence through your body language and this in turn changes YOUR OWN mind about you. Isn’t that a revelation?

I’ve always dealt it with conquering ‘mind over matter’, but this time I can also do quick bodyposes to instill that confidence before a presentation, exam or similar stressful pressured situation.

Really watch the video, it’s about 10-12 minutes and worth the time watching.

Ok I’m going to end this now. I wanted to share another thing, which if headlined would sound like “FINDING YOUR INNER CORE TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS AND CONFIDENCE”, but I’ll save it for another post.

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