Eid 2014

Assalamualaikum,

My dearest friends,

Apologies for not writing in the last few weeks (i cant remember the last time I wrote). There was my paeds exam and then puasa and then got my results (failed).

There has been many tears regarding work and my exams. I’d rather not talk about it now as it would just make me depressed.

Anyway, its the first day of Eid today. I’m not so excited as I felt I’ve let the month of Ramadan pass me by without maximizing the opportunities for ibadah.

Its probably my worst Ramadan ibadah-wise. I have to admit, the first half of the month, my iman was at a low. I was missing prayers – not on purpose – but I was missing it nonetheless and at one point, felt so so far away from Allah. It also didnt help that I wasnt fasting – 18 hours for a pregnant lady, it felt unsafe for myself and baby.

Anyway, I started reading the Quran again and Alhamdulillah feel reconnected. A friend in the same position asked me what to do, how to increase iman, and If ever you feel lost or misplaced, just open the book and insyaAllah our hearts will open up again.

So Eid today. First raya at the inlaws. Massive difference to how we (as in bruneians) celebrate it. First, we’re going to a seafood restaurant for our Eid dinner. Lunch will be leftovers from last nights dinner (must say, the chicken was the bomb, so juicy and tender).

Cant complain though. I have dearest husband and cheeky son with me. What more could I want?

Love,
me

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Conversation with a 2 year old

Technically, Zayan is now 2.5 yrs old. He has always been delayed in talking. Aside from saying mama and susu, he didnt say any words until he just went beyond 2. He understands pretty well and follows instructions but he just wont TALK.

Now he is saying more and more words, its so adorable!! He is still delayed – not yet talking in more than 2 sentences much. And his pronounciation needs improvement (clock is cock, LOL). He says much more English words but do understand malay words. Though he likes to say ‘gugur’ – if theres anything the World Cup has taught him, its ‘gugur’!

It’s amazing how he is articulating more of his thoughts and feelings. And how complex they are really.

Like the other day, I was on nights and was sleeping in the day. M went out to watch a movie with his friends whilst my sis in law was looking after him. Now his mama has been on nights for 4 nights and hasnt seen him much really in those 4 days/nights. He kept climbing onto the bed and waking me up and I just sleepily went ‘no zayann, mama mau sleeeep’. Finally he walked away quietly and then I could hear him crying. It went on, so I went out and he was practically SOBBING. He said to my SIL ‘Zayan bad boy’ :( :( :( Did he think he hasntbeen seeing me/having mama time and ayah being out meant he was a bad boy???? Heartbreak tarus!!

Sigh.

Anyway, on a cuter conversation, he saw me picked my zit the other day (macam hormonal teen right now – having zits popping up. exam stress kali) and it bled. He looked in horror and went ‘MAMA!! Wet!’. I said yeahh wet. And with that, he ran out of the bedroom to the living room and woke his ayah up ‘Mama wet! Mama hurt!’ of course, M was half zonked out and didnt make out what he was saying. He ran back to me (I was sprawling on the bed, still looking at my zit via iphone camera) and saw it still ‘wet’. ‘Mama wet?’ ‘Yeah, needs wiping zayan’ And he ran with his lil short legs out and came back with his a single sheet of his wipes. (I found it adorable that he could actually locate the wipes) Wiped my chin for me, heart melts lagi! Such a good boy!!!

Ya Allah, please let him continue to grow to be a helpful boy and empathetic to others – including those who are popping their zits and needs a tissue.

I love you, Zayan. Zayan gonna be abang soon insyaAllah but you’ll always be my special boy. xx

Ps I’ve been telling him about baby in my tummy and showing him of pics of baby in the womb (like cartoon version). And from time to time, he insists on seeing baby aka seeing my tummy. Then he’ll talk to baby ‘Hao baby! How you? Gibberish giberish am ok. bye baby!’ And today he wanted to listen to baby and when he went to listen to my tummy, he started laughing. Maybe bowel movements luan bising but I like to think he’s bonding already with baby!

So all positive! Until I said a few days ago – ‘Zayan, yknow baby going to come out one day ok? And zayan jadi abang!’ Starter shaking his head NO NO, hmmm… ok this is a work in progress.

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The ‘us’ now

I saw my site stats and see that on average 5-10 people per day visit my blog. I feel for the 5-10 people who do because it must be annoying to see a page not updated since 2 weeks ago. Like, tutup tia blog mu ani eh!

Anyway, I’m doing Take 2 of my clinical exams in 6 days time. I am calm and not at all stressed. In fact, slightly worried that I havent done much studying. Studying is sporadic due to oncalls and nights and generally feeling tired come 9 pm (lapas tidurkan zayan). I gotta pass this man, cannot be doing this again.

Gonna have the week off to get into the zone and build up my presenting skillz and confidence. It’s like the examiner just has to look at me and I tremble and blurt out stupid answers.

Think before you speak.

Pause before you act.

That should be my mantra for the week life.

Random thoughts: do you secretly stalk ahem look at other girls IG (the new fb/friendster) and basically just keep looking at photos after photos because theyre so pretty? not like in a girl crush way but in a polite, respectful ‘she’s so pretty, keep scrolling’ way. Ok that’s random.

Also, I look at my juniors in school’s wedding photos and think how young they look! Like, did I get married and people think I look young? #perasan

It’s kinda endearing though to see their pics. It’s like awww all sweet and in love and ‘I cant believe I’m married!’…. I guess over time, the dynamics of your relationship changes, especially when there’s a kid in the picture. And you’ve grown. I used to get upset that M and I are not how we used to be aka in love and all sweet words all the time but have acknowledged that dynamics of relationship do change. The things you go through together, the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the sides of one another you have seen – it grows together between us, binds us even more and forms who we are now. Forms ‘us’ now.

Dunno if I make sense.

Ok gotta sleep…

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This is my job

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This is the 6th time I’ve been called to a delivery and its only 12 o’clock. This machine is called the resuscitaire, so called as it’s the place where we resuscitate babies if they get into trouble. The checking of whats in the machine is actually a job on its own – an important one at that. Usually if theres a high risk delivery (aka in situations baby is predicted not to do well), we get called and have 5 mins heads up. Whatever I’m doing at the time has to be abandoned. If I (the bleep-holder) can’t attend for whatever reason, then the registrar who’s carrying the other bleep gets called.

So we like having a heads up. I go to the delivery room or obstetric theatre and my first job is to make sure that this machine is working and has everything I need.

There are times when we get called in an emergency and we have no time to prepare. I have been in situations before when the oxygen ran out or the suction didnt work – whilst we’re resuscitating the baby. This is a situation that should never have happened. Everyday, the midwife checks the machine too but sometimes things get missed or the machine was used and things didnt get replaced.

Anyway, most of the time baby gets born and I dont really have to do anything. Just stimulate, dry and wrap.

Once in awhile though, all hell breaks loose and we have trouble in our hands. And those are the times I have to prepare for.

Lotsa love, me

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Second time round….

This is what I’ve been thinking… seeing as we’re doing this the second time round, what would I like to do differently?

Preparing for baby

I guess we have the essential basics/equipments still for baby and don’t need to go all out as before. I think we’ve been quite good at what we buy and not buying (too many) useless stuff. I’m usually the ones who buy these useless things – like the £80 bouncer thing that Zayan likes to spend more time outside of it rather than in it. That was a waste (and M was so against it). 

I’ll remember not to buy too many baby clothes though. They just grow out of it too quickly. When packing Zayan’s baby clothes, I realise he has more newborn and 1-3 months clothes than he does for the rest of the first year! Haha, I guess after awhile, I just decided not to buy him new onesies until he really really needs it.

Birth

I am not the type who has a birth plan. I kinda like to go with the flow. I have realised from previous experience how low my pain threshold is and have no qualms of saying yes to pain medications. Working in paeds/neonates, I definitely want to give birth in the hospital – no water births or home births, thank you. But really, when it comes to it, whatever happens, happens. 

But what I would like to remind myself this time are these:

1. EAT!

I was refusing to eat much when I started having contractions. I was vomiting as well (not sure why. in too much pain?) so didnt feel too good to eat. But boy oh boy, did I regret that. Come the 16th hour of being in hospital and only 5 cm dilated, I’m SOOOO hungry and felt ravenous. I wasn’t allowed to eat though – think it was because by then, they think I have high chance of going for C section as second stage of labour didnt seem to be happening. I was like PLEAASEEEE I’M SO HUNGRY. And after the eventual c section (20 hours in hospital, more than 24 hours of contractions), all I can think of was when they’d allow me to eat. 

2. Keep calm and breathe.

I wasn’t using the gas and air (aka entonox) well awal2, I think because I panicked with my breathing and didnt take it in so well. Eventually, seeing I wasnt getting any other medications that seemed to help, I eventually got it. 

3. Bring maternity pads. 

For some reason, I didnt think of this – I must have neglected the ‘what to bring to hospital’ checklist. But my dear friend brought it for me, even without me having to ask for it!! Thank you, you know who you are! 

After delivery

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I think I was in such a state because Zayan just cried and cried and cried all day, ESPECIALLY between midnight till 4 am. Like why baby whyyyyyyy. And I felt kesian and so sorry for myself, but didn’t bother asking someone to take over. I mean, M was still on paternity leave and my parents were there. I guess I just need to be more ‘I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!!’ rather than waiting for them to get my sorry hints/forlorn looks in the morning. 

I haven’t really thought about the whole ‘jangan luan pigang ke badan’ which we did with Zayan. On one hand, I felt I couldn’t not leave him – actually I have better threshold of hearing him cry but other people (uhuk uhuk M and uhuk uhuk other family members) couldn’t. On the other hand, maybe if we left him to it, he would learn to settle himself. But maybe some babies just dont settle by themselves so easily? I dont know lah… Zayan is so so so much better with his sleep now except yknow for his midnight wanderings to our bed. 

Ok, I gtg now…I’ll think about that last issue another day. 

Love, me

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Wassup?

I haven’t talked much about my pregnancy this time, even though I keep thinking about writing about it – and before I announced it, I had all these things I wanted to talk about, waiting to explode out. 

Anyway, so I’ll be 16 weeks pregnant this week. How time flies! Well not really, I’m waiting to get beyond 24 weeks (viable baby! aka if baby gets born after, there is a chance of survival) Seriously, doing a neonatal job whilst being pregnant just makes me paranoid and thinking of worst case scenarios all the time. The other day, I sat through a perinatal morbidity clinic where they talked through cases about babies that didn’t survive in the last year. It’s basically to talk with the obstetricians as well and together work through learning points and what we can improve the next time a similar scenario occur. One of it was a 20 week plus pregnant mum who got run over and basically it was a bad bad car accident (she was walking and the car flipped and hit her in the process) and the obstetrician did an emergency caesarean section there and then in A&E to get the baby out in the hopes of increasing survival for mum – both mum and baby did not survive. Inalillahi wainalillahi rajiun – Oh ya Rabb, Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return. By the end of it, I just felt like – this is not what a pregnant woman wants to hear!!! 

Ok sorry, sorry, depressing and gory! 

Let’s change topic….

It’s my birthday next week and I have been reminding M about this, hehe yknow just in case he does forget about it! Also, I want to have both of us off that day and we can have a nice day out somewhere … without Zayan! Hehe. I don’t think we have gone a whole day away (and definitely not a night away) from the little man. So before Baby no 2 comes and takes our freedom away, thought it’d be nice having some quality time with the Mr. 

Speaking of quality time, we haven’t gone out on a date in yonks. At least not since we moved here – which is November last year. So we went out to catch a movie last Sunday. I wanted to watch ‘The Other Women’ and he wanted to watch X Men. We both said no way to each other’s suggestions and decided ‘Bad Neighbour’ as compromise. I wanted a light comedy to relieve me of my 8 day work stint (sunday was Day 7) and oh yeah, it was funny. Lots of sexual scenes be warned but that apart, it was actually really funny. Like LAUGH OUT LOUD funny and not in a lame, slapstick way. 

It sounds painfully obvious but couples do and should have the odd dates here and there! We keep missing it out due to our shifts and this and that. But it was high time I felt as I havent had a proper conversation or ‘me and him’ time for awhile. (It might be the 8 day stint making me feel like that… and he was on nights before… and I was on nights before that… seriously how DO we do this?)

Ok, now I am torn between doing two things: going to sleep (when zayan naps/sleep, all I want to do is sleep as well) or studying (zzzzz).

THREE WEEKS BEFORE EXAM, WHAT AM I DOING??????

Love, me

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When is the right time to have a baby?

Ok, I admit the reason why I’m blogging is because I am procrastinating. Cos I dont wanna study. (Please dont make me pleaaaseeeee)

So, the above question ‘When is the right time to have a baby?’ is one that my female colleagues and I talk about time and time again – the single, the married/with partners with no kids and the one with kids.

I’ve thought that question myself before. I knew I want to have a kid (or two…or three…ok four lah maximum insyaAllah) but I didnt know when ‘it’ can fit in. Being a doctor nowadays doesnt mean it ends after graduation. No, no…. first you have to do some sort of housemanship or what is called foundation years. Usually last for two years. You rotate around specialties in these two years and eventually supposed to find your calling by the end of it. Some know what they want to do since diaper time, some still dont know what to even after housemanship years. Now the first year of working is tough work. You’re getting into the gist of having a responsibility of lives in your hands and hoping never to mess up (one registrar said a good day’s work means you haven’t killed anyone). So, the first year is kinda hard to get preggers – well, I’ve seen people do it, kudos to them.

Then you enter a specialty and you think – I wanna finish my exams first. Then you get to the third year and by then, in a lot of specialties, you up a grade and become registrars. and suddenly theres a whole lotta responsibilities and workload and you think …. so when???

A lot of medics I know want to at least get their exams over and done with or go past registrar (ok, some wants to be a consultant first). The youngest age to be consultant – if you make it in that straight line without failing exams and getting pregnant/sick/time off – is probably around 33 or 34 years old. Which isnt THAT old really.

Well, the advice I’ve given to people thinking about it are these (and this is just my two cents):

1. There will never be the ‘right’ time.

There will be a time that feels better than others. But in the medicine world, something or other will always come up. If not exams, then going up a post. So unless you’re willing to be consultant and get pregnant, you can wait till then.

2. You will never feel ready for being a parent.

It’s like going into that ward for the first time as a doctor. Nothing will prepare you for it – not the endless amount of studying, not the advice people have given you. You’ll just have to get through it and learn things the hard way. Remember: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Having a kid does not necessarily mean and end to your life.

That said, my mama once advised me to ‘puaskan hati before kawin’. I think she meant do what I wanna do before committing myself. And I’m so grateful for that advice and support. I’ve done the travelling business, my favourite memory is going to New York with my best friend months before she got married. It was our last trip together and it was epic.

I’ve done all the hiking, and camping, and paintballing, and caravan-ing, and travelling here and there.

And I hope it won’t end there. I’m waiting for Zayan and insyaAllah next baby to be older and we can travel too (country wishlist of M and I: Japan!).

3. Having a kid will shift that picture for you.

Before having Zayan, I’ve always thought ‘ok I wanna do this, pass exam, become registrar… bla bla bla’. My career was and is an important part of me. There were (are!) achievements to fulfill, exams to pass. But you know what, when you have a kid, those things doesn’t matter so much anymore. I mean, I still want it but I also realise the bigger picture.

It’s like suddenly I realise I am this one small person in this big world and my career is not the sole thing in life. I don’t know if I’m making sense or not. Basically, ever since Zayan, I’ve become more chillax if there are hiccups in the pathway of getting what I want.

Things happen, you get pregnant, yknow stuff like that.

Love, me

 

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