Just because

There’s a poster in the breastfeeding room in neonatal unit explaining what happens inthe first few days – week after birth, in terms of milk production and feeding. Randomly, it mentions how at day 3-4, mums can get emotional and that this is entirely normal.

It’s day 5 today and since that first emotional day after finding out re baby’s condition, I haven’t cried ever since. But today, there has been many snappy moments and ‘I
suddenly wanna cry, lump in my throat’ moments – with no trigger to it. Well, yknow aside from having my son still in hospital.

I can’t bring myself to talk to people about how I truly feel. Because I know that…

This too shall pass
I have to be patient
Baby will get better and be home soon
Things could be worse
Allah knows best
Ada hikmahnya ni

I.know.

I just am sad. Just. Because.

So tonight I’m going to wallow in my tears, sad because I don’t have my son with me, that I am a new mother who feels useless without a baby cryinng for a feed every 1-2 hrs. That I dont know what to do with myself – not yet excited of this new chapter of my life but yet not too frightened of the future.

I want to be sad tonight and tomorrow I will smile again.

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Labour part deux

I can’t be bothered to write and explain everything from beginning, so I hope these pictures will do some justice and create some sort of scene to our journey so far.

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It all started though like this….

My waters broke a few minutes before 9 pm. I remember this because that was the time I called my friend, panicking because my waters wont stop coming out.

We went to the Maternity Assessment unit after M came back from work. I haven’t packed my bag yet but my sis in law came over as soon as I called and packed stuff for me. Tip: pack your bags early!! Do not procrastinate like me! 34 weeks atu, pack tia!

This is me, bewildered at how my tummy has shrunk so much after the waters came out.

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My contractions were not that regular yet… started off as one every 7-10 minutes. Buleh lagi control nada painkiller/gas and air ni.

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I was strapped to the CTG machine to
monitor baby’s heart rate and my contractions. They wanted to observe me but nothing was happening, as in the contractions weren’t getting any quicker. I also had group B strep in my swab so they decided to induce me. Prolonging labour will increase risk of infection to baby, so we wanted to just get on with things and kickstart labour process.

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Hours passed, night turned to dawn, M was tired post oncall.

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So I told him to go home for a few hours. Then he can also sort out childcare. Zayan was looked after by my sis in law but she had to go
to work. So the plan was to send him to childminder that morning.

Syntocinon hurts!!! Contractions were getting more regular – one every 2-3 mins and hurts. I was able to sleep initially and then just sat quietly with the pain. M wasn’t there yet at 8 am and I was thinking mana kan yaaaaa. Menderita ku sorang hehe. Eventually succumbed to gas and air. I wasnt looking forward to it cos I didnt know how to use it last time and went bit cuckoo using it. Macam hallucinating ani.

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This time though, I handled it like a pro. Booyah!!

Ok gtg… story to be continued.

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Labour Part 1

I’m so bored. I probably should go to sleep but I can’t. The sound of the CTG machine and the intermittent contractions – though not yet strong – is pretty distracting.

Part of me don’t want to document this journey yet but I know I’ll be too lazy/tired/busy/sleep deprived once baby arrives.

So I had my exam 3 days ago. It went ok but I cant say much. The last time I thought it went ok and had a good chance of passing but I didnt. So we’ll just wait and see.

Anyway, I felt like it was an achievement in itself not to go into labour before/during exam. My worst fear was that my waters would break in the middle of exam! Haha I even brought extra pants and heavy duty pads just in case. I’ve gotten SO huge and everyone kept saying I look like I’m going to pop anytime soon … so hence my fear.

Then on saturday, day after exam, we went to Legoland. ok so that may seem crazy looking back now – I’m 36 weeks, being huge, waddling and having a lot of pelvic pain. But do I deter it from having fun? NO! —- though by the end of the day, I was aching a lot and wishing I could jump into zayan’s stroller.

Yesterday we chilled out. M had bad migraine and we put off buying the crib for baby. I wanted to go to the shop today after M’s shift but he decided to do a locum.

So anywaaaaay this is when it might be TMI but hey you knew this was gonna be a labour story.

I was having dinner on the sofa and felt some watery discharge. But I was having watery discharge last few days – intermittent and brief – so I thought it was just another one of those. And then I stood up to wash my hands and then WOOSSSSHHHHH!

Like a bucket of fluid running down me.

And it wont stop! For minutes and minutes it wont stop!!! Then I didnt know what to do. zayan was preoccupied watching ipad and so I called my friend Louise, mother of 3. “Will it stop?? what do I do???” We ended up laughing a lot because neither of us had this experience. Both of us had our waters broken for us, so this was an entirely new experience.

I hung up, still unsure what to do. It won’t stop leaking and its not LEAK ok… its like continuous gushing of fluid. i dont want a trail of amniotic fluid all around my carpeted house!! Plusssss my phone abis tia battery!

Zayan eventually realised something was amiss. “Mama pee pee?”

I gave him instructions to get a towel and he eventually got it for me. Clever boy!! And some shoes for me (figured id rather have soaked shoes than my carpet). He still didnt get it when I told him to get my charger but its ok I eventually got it!!

Whilst waiting for mumtathil, I was waiting at the corner of our bedroom, near the phone charger. And the fluid didnt seem to stop coming out. zayan went ‘BLUEEEEE TOWELLLL’, which was actually hanging near me. Haha oh yehhh thank you Zayan!

haha zayan, zayan….

long story short, we’re in the hospital now. My contractions are few and far in between. I’m only 1 cm dilated so they’re gonna induce me.

I’m scared actually – of the whole birthing process. I havent really thought about it and having an emergency c section last time meant I didnt go into full blown labour and ‘missed out’ on it.

Oh well, as one of the ward clerks I used to work with said “You’ll just have to go through it somehow!”

To be continued…

love, me

Ps to those who are as blur as me, the amniotic fluid will just keep coming out!! Have plenty of towels around you and erm don’t laugh – that makes things worse.

PPS I was hoping now that my exam is over, I can finally give Zayan some ‘mama and him’ time. Kesian nda tia dapat. Sokay, Allah is the best planner. Mama love you, Zayan, and I’m sure you’re gonna love baby. what with all the kisses and hugs you give to my belly.

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Pregnancy update

It’s been awhile I know (how many times have I started a post like that???)….

This is what’s been happening and the reasons behind the lack of writing.

1. I am now 35 weeks pregnant. I am also huge… like disproprortionately huge. Everything else seems to stay the same except for my tummy. I think no way can it expand more but ladies and gents, every morning I wake up and realise that it can.

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I hate playing the pregnant card (‘being the disabled cos I’m pregnant’ card I mean) and so far I’m coping well. Alhamdulillah, no symptoms really except for the pelvic pain. Ok, let me talk about that!! I dont remember having much pelvic pain …. but oh my, I feel for all the women with SPD now! It HURTS! The annoying thing is that it hurts after sitting for awhile or in certain sitting and lying positions. Lying down is no longer a comfort. I have to find a position in bed that is the most comfortable and then I cant move to change positions cos it hurts. My pelvis hurts, my back hurts and changing positions actually hurts my tummy. I cant explain it but imagine you have a whole load of bricks strapped on your tummy that is well supported by a pouch. It’s well supported usually so it doesnt hurt your back or hips
much …. then you wanna lie down on your back and instantly it hurts because the bricks are pressing on you. So you turn to lie on your side but its so heavy that it hurts to roll over. Eventually you get to your side and lie comfortably… after awhile your back starts to hurt being in that position, it wants to rest. But you know you cant lie on your back, so how now brown cow??

THAT is my dilemma every single night.

I have bought a very very very expensive pillow and I’m happy to say it has helped cut down discomfort. I do wish I can go back
to lying on my back… I miss lying on my back.

You know what, my theory is that women go through these hardships before giving birth so that our body gets used to the sleep deprivation that is to come postnatally.

The other symptom that I have now – and didnt have with Zayan – is the itchiness of my tummy!! Actually, I’ve changed my stretch mark oil (from cocoa butter thing to Bio oil) and actually its not as itchy now. LOL maybe the cocoa butter didnt work for me. And Bio oil smells nicer. And am I dreaming but my skin actually looks better…????

Oh stretch marks…. I know its part and parcel of pregnancy. But I’m much bigger now than I was with zayan and not surprisingly, have gotten stretch marks (also when We moved house, I couldnt find my cream for awhile). Now I know I’m supposed to embrace this and be proud of my battle scars. But I would be dishonest if I didnt admit now how depressed I was when it appeared.

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Silverstone experience

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Booked a driving experience at Silverstone for dear husband as an advanced bday gift. For some reason, it was cheaper to drive a Ferrari and Aston martin than just Ferrari – but then again I dont know what kind of Ferrari it was for the latter (maybe more super exciting fast ferrari?).

He’s not a major car fan or into F1 even but figured it’s one of those things that would be great to experience. Especially since our days are numbered before baby no 2 (aka before we hibernate for nx 6 mths-1 yr).😂😂

Managed to keep it a surprise all the way till we got there (“we have to collect your present which is an hour away…” lol so ominous). Must say, I’m not a car fan but hearing those engines roar are pretty exhilirating (alum lagi driving).

My words before he started were ‘be careful!! dont go crazy!!!’ hehe mau membalikan tapi takut jua banarnya.

Glad he enjoyed it and Zayan – the most car fan of us – were most excited to see the cara whizzing past.

Love you sayang,

From now on, your bday presents would be boring ok as nothing can top driving a Ferrari. Unless yknow I buy you one….

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September 7, 2014 · 11:06 pm

Heartmelts

I need twitter for little stories like this but am not an avid follower/user of twitter:

My heart melted a thousand times last night. Zayan kissed my nose when I pretended to sleep. He then went back to sleeping pose – yknow, eyes closed but not really asleep. I waited a few seconds and kissed him back on his nose. My heart melted when he said ‘thank you’.

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As much as a tantrum-y child he can be, he can be a pretty sweet boy too.

Love you my boy,
Your mama

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Refueling the relationship

Gahhh wrote a long post but it got deleted when my phone abis battery.

So here it goes again:

I find it hard to have quality time these days with M. Zayan is super clingy, even more than when we were in Brunei. Macam tauuuu saja kan ada baby adek (he does point out my bump as baby and demands to see baby/bump at random times) but I’m
not sure he REALLY knows.

So I asked M for some me and him time. Lagipun, two of his sisters are around and buleh jaga zayan.

We headed off to Kilworth country hotel, 30 mins away in the countryside. It’s basically a huge estate house with acres and acres of greenery. The weather was sunny and nicely cool and best of all, no fear of dogs running around!

Started off with the afternoon tea. Pistachio and vanilla cake – hmm never thought of having pistachio cake but it was good actually.

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M and I had competition on who will take the better photo on IG. His did look better than mine actually.

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The obligatory shot with estate house behind us

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What was a maze once upon a time. M insisted on doing the maze properly and then correcting the sun clock in the centre.

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Bump! Took a selfie and realised after that there was someone sitting not too far behind me. Oops! Malu sekajap.

It’s nice to have a lil getaway with M once in awhile (mesti once in awhile – kalau selalu, rasa guilty tia tinggalkan zayan). Our fourth anniversary will be next month, cant believe how fast time has flown. I still consider us ‘young’ in our marriage – a lot to learn still but insyaAllah, we will get to our dementia years together. *morbid medic humor*

Sometimes we go from day to day, not realising how much we have to refuel our relationship with other half. That we are more than ‘Ayah and Mama’ and that once upon a time, there was just me and him and how much effort we gave into ‘me and him’.

Love you sayang, me

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