Taking care of one’s self

I have come to realise that I dont take care of myself well enough. Went for a facial today (I planned to study in the morning and then slotted a facial after hrhr. oh myy life of a taitai pregnant wife – err until my leave ends this weekend that is) and realise how BAD my skin condition is. It’s so dry and dehydrated and definitely has not got the pregnancy glow! And let’s not talk about my eyes. The eye bags – so puffy! How did it get so puffy??

Anyway, after a rejuvenating facial and mental pep talk of ‘I MUST USE MY MOISTURISER EVERY DAY!’, I realise how I have not been taking care of myself well nowadays. Not just skin wise but in so many other ways too. Spiritually… mentally … cosmetically … health wise. I am so prepped to thinking about the exams this year that I have let go of many things.

The recent holiday has recharged me. I was getting lazy with my solat (procrastinating it to the last minute, Astaghfirullah… please help me continuously better myself Ya Rabb). I haven’t touched the Quran for awhile.

And also I went to see the midwife today and there were some protein and sugar in my urine. Ahhh!! So i have to do the dreadful GTT, a test to check whether I have diabetes during pregnancy. Actually I hate it cos I dont like the taste of lucozade and I have to drink a litre of it! Oh man, its all the teh tarik ping and tapak kuda and choc cakes I’ve been having back home!

And and I’ve recently read about attachment tanks – or something like that. Basically theres theory that if a kid has their attachment tanks well filled, they are more confident and secure in themselves. To fill this tank, you need to give them attention and BE there for them. Now you might think I AM there for them. All the time! But are you? or do you have your whatsapp/instagram on? Listening with half ear whilst watching TV? Guilty to both qs! Granted we’re tired after work and need some ‘me’ time of our own. But what this theory is saying is that you just need to give a short but concentrated amount of time when you truly focus on your child. And the best times are first thing in the morning, when you come back from being away with them and before bedtime.

So here’s 6 vows to myself:

1. I will pray on time.

2. I will read the quran – even seayat pun every day.

3. I will drink more than a litre of water everyday.

4. I will moisturise my face and tummy daily.

5. I will fill in the 15 minute attachment tanks to Zayan and M everyday. (M doesnt have an attachment tank. He’s a well emotionally secured man but it always helps to invest in your relationship!)

6.I will cut down on my sugar intake. (uhhhh last vow is the hardest kali)

So here’s to a shinier, brighter, less dehydrated, spiritually recharged (insyaAllah) me!

Love, me

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Updates : 29 weeks preggers

Wow, I’m so pemalas at writing these days. It looks like I only do one post a month. Cant help it: (1) nada mood and (2) I have so many things on my plate.

After the nice (but tiring) holiday back home, I have so many things to think about:

1. My exam in October
I failed my last attempt in July and now want to do it in October. Yesss, when I am 35/36 week pregnant. InsyaAllah, dengan izin Allah, I CAN DO THIS! GANBATTE!

I was totally feeling fine 3 weeks ago when I sent the exam application. And then suddenly I hit 27 weeks and I feel heavy and …well, pregnant. No symptoms alhamdulillah. Just need to rest a lot and not exert myself too much to sustain energy for the whole day. I must say, if I can do an 18 hour flight solo with a 2 year old, I am up for anything!

2. Starting registrar rota next week.

Basically, more responsibility. More decision making. After 5 pm, I’ll be the one people look to for answers as I’ll be the most senior paediatrician around. No pressure.

3. Moving house
So we’ve found a place that we want to move to and hopefully no more moving around for the next few years! We (as in me) wanted to move to a bigger place with a garden. But mainly a bigger place than our current 2 bedroom apartment. I think it’s high time we live in a proper house!

We’re getting the keys this saturday and going to ‘slowly pack’. That’s M’s words. My thinking is that we move as much as we can this weekend (the non essential stuff) and then choose a weekend when we just move everything.

4. And lastly, and of course most importantly, getting ready for new bebe arrival!!!!
….. Except we haven’t bought anything yet. We haven’t thought (much) about the new bed arrangement when baby comes. Well, even with Zayan, we didn’t buy anything until I was over 30 weeks. And we don’t need to buy the big stuff – got the baby seat, stroller, breast pump, etc ready anyway. I’ve piled up the neutral-coloured clothes from Zayan’s old clothes and it amounts to: 6 short sleeved vests and 5 long sleeved vests for the newborn stage. Told this to M and he said ‘its ok, girls can wear blue too.’ WHAAAAT, NOOOO! Even if baby doesn’t realise this, I will!

Oh wait, I haven’t announced yet have I? InsyaAllah, we ‘re going to have baby girl. I’m not gonna go all estatic until baby is born!

Wow, I’m 29 weeks this week. So maybe next weekend, M and I can do shopping for baby. EXCITING! Love baby clothes. Makes the pregnancy symptoms worthwhile, haha.

Lotsa love, me

PS. Was sorting out Zayan’s old toys – the one he played when he was a lil ‘un. And we have plenty of plush toys (of varying animals and size!) and rattlers. Macam buleh request kah if people want to boy toys for new baby? LOL Something NOT plush toy and rattler pleaaaseeee. Actually, someone (Niza and Shauqi actually) bought us a book made of cloth material. It was awesome cos baby can gnaw on it and I won’t have to worry if the pages will tear. Plus it’s light, so baby can move it around and not have it fall on it. So anyone thinking of what to buy for newborn, that’s a good idea me thinks!

The other thing I always think babies can never have enough of (esp if messy and banyak saliva or muntah) are bibs! And nice fashionable bibs that parents feel guilty of spending money on – so it’s nice when someone else gets it for them.

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Raya in Brunei


Finally after all these years (maybe 5 yrs?), menyampati beraya di Brunei – albeit a week late and without M (boooo!).

Raya now means:

1. no ang pow/duit raya for me!!! Ok so I shouldnt feel disappointed – bernaknsudah and bekeraja but i cant help it okkkk. I still feel that young at heart LOL That said, amit ada bagi duit raya to me. Iski berabis!!

We’ve only been to a few houses but Zayan has collected a fair share of duit raya. Inda pulang ya paham – he just gives it to me or drop it once start bemain.

2. There’s tapak kuda in all the houses, like ALL the houses. Aint complaining.

3. Beraya one or two house is enough for me for a day. Ngalih after that!! Ahhh, years ago, I could go to more than 5 houses a day and be up for more!

It also doesnt help once Zayan gets restless. I mean, apa jua kan dibuatnya – he doesnt eat the roll and kek lapis and biscuits (weird child). He does like to ear satay and soto. Tapi lapas makan and if nada mainan, bored tia. Bored = restless = exploring people’s houses onto unchartered, ‘stay off’ territories.

4. I cant fit into any of my baju raya. I’m pretty sure I have exploded in the one week I’ve been back. Suddenly, my front and back is huge! I borrowed my SIL punya maternity baju kurung and only one yang muat! I asked her – mana baju kita yang kita pakai masa kami nikah? Cos I remember she popped the day after! lol confirm muat tu. Except she modify tia sudah to her current size.

5. Also i get envious looking at badan2 ramping pakai baju kurung. I was once liked that!

“you’re pregnant!”
“I knooowww…. still”

*psycho cakap sorang*

6. Toddlers/less than 3 yr olds wearing baju cara melayu and baju kurung is SO cute. Like kan di pirik2 cute.

7. Ok atu saja. I wish i can eat more and more but i feel full easily and if i push it, there WILL be consequences in the form of reflux/gastritis.

Ada hikmahnya jua lah alhamdulillah. Inda mendulur nafsu banar *pops in another tapak kuda*

Much love,



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August 16, 2014 · 7:39 am

Eid 2014


My dearest friends,

Apologies for not writing in the last few weeks (i cant remember the last time I wrote). There was my paeds exam and then puasa and then got my results (failed).

There has been many tears regarding work and my exams. I’d rather not talk about it now as it would just make me depressed.

Anyway, its the first day of Eid today. I’m not so excited as I felt I’ve let the month of Ramadan pass me by without maximizing the opportunities for ibadah.

Its probably my worst Ramadan ibadah-wise. I have to admit, the first half of the month, my iman was at a low. I was missing prayers – not on purpose – but I was missing it nonetheless and at one point, felt so so far away from Allah. It also didnt help that I wasnt fasting – 18 hours for a pregnant lady, it felt unsafe for myself and baby.

Anyway, I started reading the Quran again and Alhamdulillah feel reconnected. A friend in the same position asked me what to do, how to increase iman, and If ever you feel lost or misplaced, just open the book and insyaAllah our hearts will open up again.

So Eid today. First raya at the inlaws. Massive difference to how we (as in bruneians) celebrate it. First, we’re going to a seafood restaurant for our Eid dinner. Lunch will be leftovers from last nights dinner (must say, the chicken was the bomb, so juicy and tender).

Cant complain though. I have dearest husband and cheeky son with me. What more could I want?


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Conversation with a 2 year old

Technically, Zayan is now 2.5 yrs old. He has always been delayed in talking. Aside from saying mama and susu, he didnt say any words until he just went beyond 2. He understands pretty well and follows instructions but he just wont TALK.

Now he is saying more and more words, its so adorable!! He is still delayed – not yet talking in more than 2 sentences much. And his pronounciation needs improvement (clock is cock, LOL). He says much more English words but do understand malay words. Though he likes to say ‘gugur’ – if theres anything the World Cup has taught him, its ‘gugur’!

It’s amazing how he is articulating more of his thoughts and feelings. And how complex they are really.

Like the other day, I was on nights and was sleeping in the day. M went out to watch a movie with his friends whilst my sis in law was looking after him. Now his mama has been on nights for 4 nights and hasnt seen him much really in those 4 days/nights. He kept climbing onto the bed and waking me up and I just sleepily went ‘no zayann, mama mau sleeeep’. Finally he walked away quietly and then I could hear him crying. It went on, so I went out and he was practically SOBBING. He said to my SIL ‘Zayan bad boy’ :( :( :( Did he think he hasntbeen seeing me/having mama time and ayah being out meant he was a bad boy???? Heartbreak tarus!!


Anyway, on a cuter conversation, he saw me picked my zit the other day (macam hormonal teen right now – having zits popping up. exam stress kali) and it bled. He looked in horror and went ‘MAMA!! Wet!’. I said yeahh wet. And with that, he ran out of the bedroom to the living room and woke his ayah up ‘Mama wet! Mama hurt!’ of course, M was half zonked out and didnt make out what he was saying. He ran back to me (I was sprawling on the bed, still looking at my zit via iphone camera) and saw it still ‘wet’. ‘Mama wet?’ ‘Yeah, needs wiping zayan’ And he ran with his lil short legs out and came back with his a single sheet of his wipes. (I found it adorable that he could actually locate the wipes) Wiped my chin for me, heart melts lagi! Such a good boy!!!

Ya Allah, please let him continue to grow to be a helpful boy and empathetic to others – including those who are popping their zits and needs a tissue.

I love you, Zayan. Zayan gonna be abang soon insyaAllah but you’ll always be my special boy. xx

Ps I’ve been telling him about baby in my tummy and showing him of pics of baby in the womb (like cartoon version). And from time to time, he insists on seeing baby aka seeing my tummy. Then he’ll talk to baby ‘Hao baby! How you? Gibberish giberish am ok. bye baby!’ And today he wanted to listen to baby and when he went to listen to my tummy, he started laughing. Maybe bowel movements luan bising but I like to think he’s bonding already with baby!

So all positive! Until I said a few days ago – ‘Zayan, yknow baby going to come out one day ok? And zayan jadi abang!’ Starter shaking his head NO NO, hmmm… ok this is a work in progress.

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The ‘us’ now

I saw my site stats and see that on average 5-10 people per day visit my blog. I feel for the 5-10 people who do because it must be annoying to see a page not updated since 2 weeks ago. Like, tutup tia blog mu ani eh!

Anyway, I’m doing Take 2 of my clinical exams in 6 days time. I am calm and not at all stressed. In fact, slightly worried that I havent done much studying. Studying is sporadic due to oncalls and nights and generally feeling tired come 9 pm (lapas tidurkan zayan). I gotta pass this man, cannot be doing this again.

Gonna have the week off to get into the zone and build up my presenting skillz and confidence. It’s like the examiner just has to look at me and I tremble and blurt out stupid answers.

Think before you speak.

Pause before you act.

That should be my mantra for the week life.

Random thoughts: do you secretly stalk ahem look at other girls IG (the new fb/friendster) and basically just keep looking at photos after photos because theyre so pretty? not like in a girl crush way but in a polite, respectful ‘she’s so pretty, keep scrolling’ way. Ok that’s random.

Also, I look at my juniors in school’s wedding photos and think how young they look! Like, did I get married and people think I look young? #perasan

It’s kinda endearing though to see their pics. It’s like awww all sweet and in love and ‘I cant believe I’m married!’…. I guess over time, the dynamics of your relationship changes, especially when there’s a kid in the picture. And you’ve grown. I used to get upset that M and I are not how we used to be aka in love and all sweet words all the time but have acknowledged that dynamics of relationship do change. The things you go through together, the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the sides of one another you have seen – it grows together between us, binds us even more and forms who we are now. Forms ‘us’ now.

Dunno if I make sense.

Ok gotta sleep…

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This is my job


This is the 6th time I’ve been called to a delivery and its only 12 o’clock. This machine is called the resuscitaire, so called as it’s the place where we resuscitate babies if they get into trouble. The checking of whats in the machine is actually a job on its own – an important one at that. Usually if theres a high risk delivery (aka in situations baby is predicted not to do well), we get called and have 5 mins heads up. Whatever I’m doing at the time has to be abandoned. If I (the bleep-holder) can’t attend for whatever reason, then the registrar who’s carrying the other bleep gets called.

So we like having a heads up. I go to the delivery room or obstetric theatre and my first job is to make sure that this machine is working and has everything I need.

There are times when we get called in an emergency and we have no time to prepare. I have been in situations before when the oxygen ran out or the suction didnt work – whilst we’re resuscitating the baby. This is a situation that should never have happened. Everyday, the midwife checks the machine too but sometimes things get missed or the machine was used and things didnt get replaced.

Anyway, most of the time baby gets born and I dont really have to do anything. Just stimulate, dry and wrap.

Once in awhile though, all hell breaks loose and we have trouble in our hands. And those are the times I have to prepare for.

Lotsa love, me

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