Being Khadijah

M is taking his two weeks of paternity leave now and then he’s given another week or so of compassionate
leave (as baby is in hospital). Quite nice of hospital, didnt think I would sing praises for medical HR ever.

Anyway, so we’re spending more time
together obviously. I’ve always believed that time
apart and being busy with our own work is good and healthy for a married couple. I remember in the first few weeks of being married, the consultants I worked with asked how married life was getting on. I replied that I haven’t seen much of my husband as we were on call a lot and would see maybe 1-2 hrs a day of each other. They all agreed that this is the recipe to a healthy marriage and then burst out laughing (I think theyre actually really serious).

Before maternity leave, our oncalls didnt clash that much but there would be times when I’d be on nights a week and then he’ll be on nights the next week.
It was working out fine with us with our schedules I must say. People wonder how we do it without an amah and working full time. But I never felt it was too much and too stressful. Yes, I wished we can have more relaxing lives but I didn’t think the grind of work and life was getting to us.

Anywayyyy digressing!

So, we’re besides each other more nowadays. We went to Yo sushi a few days ago (awu nda bepantang langsung ku) because now i can eat without any inhibitions or guilt – yay. So anywayyyy, I reminded him of how we had our first date there.

“ohh really?”


Like please husband, way to kill the mood. According to him, our first date was going to this chinese acrobatic circus show whilst in my head, this was our first outing. Granted we weren’t ‘together’ yet. Actually it was more like friends still tapi aku yang beriya2 plotting for ‘us’ to happen.

You see, we’ve been msn-ing for awhile and occasionally (like once in a blue moon) talk on the phone. So I decided to ‘up’ us a notch and the night before the ‘date’, I told my friend that I’m going to ‘up’ it. “How are you gonna do it?” she asks – possibly in amusement. I dont know but I will! – the go-getter in me voiced out. Having Khadijah as inpiration – yknow how she just sent someone to propose to our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w – I thought I’m gonna get us together somehow. I knew I like him for awhile and he’s been friendly towards me – responding to my msn and text messages. More in an affable way rather than flirting. (there was no flirting from him, serious. He thought i was just being a friendly person!)

I bought the bullet anyway and said I wanted to borrow a book of his, that he mentioned was good. Yo Sushi was chosen as a place to convene for this book exchange. See how smooth I am? In reality, it wasn’t a book that I would like really and now when I reminded him of the book (The Constant Gardener), he’s perplexed and agreed why I would want to read that book – “its not you!”. I agree, I only read a page and found it too boring.

LOL I can’t remember what happened next but that was the start of our outings. He didnt have a clue for ages btw 😒😒

And now he’s stuck with me! *evil laugh*


At our fourth year anniversary dinner

Love you sayang,

I wonder if you’ll ever read this!

Ps on a more serious note, I do hope to be more of Khadijah as a wife, insyaAllah.

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Epic poo fail saga

Have I finished my labour story? I don’t think i have but I’m too tired to recollect the events of that morning. Anyway I’ve got a story to tell. I’ll warn you, it may be too TMI but it’s a lesson to y’all.

Soooo I haven’t poo-ed for 4 days… this happened to me last time as well post c section with zayan. I think it’s a combination of erratic eating, taking codeine (for the pain post c section) and my actual fear and pain when pushing. Ok let me tell you know – c section is no little surgery!!! Last time, I was struggling with walking for at least 2 weeks and wished I could take codeine for a month at least! (They only gave me 2 weeks worth – I heard that in bru, they dont give you anything stronger than paracetamol and ibuprofen. Omg How do women do it?????)

Anyway so I haven’t poo-ed. And I felt the urge to go yesterday and I was so excited LOL Rushed to the toilet and waited… and waited … and waited. The spasms came and went, the urge to go was very intense and this time I actually really pushed through the pain. Ya Allah, only He knows the pain. Kalah sakit beranak! At least masa in labour, I have gas and air and yknow a nicer reason for the pain (baby instead of poo). And also i knew how the pain came and went during labour – I would just focus on my breathing and counting the seconds until the pain passes. Ani the pain was there – do you know how painful it is to want to poo but cant get it out??? It’s like being on a constant state of ‘turtlenecking’ and your tummy spasming.

Anyway I actually sat there for an hour with no results. Went into shower, hoping the urge to poo will go away, but that didnt work. M came over to check out whats going on.
Told him my impacted stool (I can feel the poo down below but felt hard and wont go down … Sorrryyyy TOO MUCH INFO I KNOW). ‘What do you want me to do?’ asks my helpful husband. ‘I dont know!!! You’re a medic! Find me a solution!’

His solution were: go back and sit there and wait it out, he’ll buy me some suppositories and laxatives and To elevate my legs (last solution was actual genius – it did help).

So off he went, out into peak hour traffic (this is 5 pm) and i sat there for another 30 mins waiting for my saviour in the form of rectal suppository.

Ok so I know roughly how it works – you put it down your bum and wait it out and within 15-20 mins it should work. From experience with my patients, it sounds like there’s an explosion of ermm yknow. So I waited it out… nothing. There was that urge… went for it and the suppository but nothing else came out. only after much googling did I realise I’m doing it wrongly. I’m supposed to lie down, put it in and lie on my side for at least 20 mins before going to toilet. Otherwise it wont have time to work. DOH. Seriously I’m becoming a better dr by being a patient nowadays.

Anyway it made me poo, enough to be comfortable to walk around and pretend to have some normality (eat dinner, watch TV) but i was still feeling like I’m not entirely comfortable yet.

Last night was basically a marathon of number 2. And by 7 am, I can happily say it’s all emptied out now. All is well with life again.


So here’s my take on labour and specifically c section. My 2 deliveries were c sections because of baby in distress and failure to progress naturally (aka it took me a long time to deliver that it was getting unsafe for me and baby).

1. It will hurt – a lot – after having c section. So dont think you’ll be ‘strong’ and not take your painkillers regularly. Even if you feel totally fine after a few days. I kinda forgot to take my painkillers last night, thinking i dont need it and I’m going to sleep anyway. Woke up because I needed to desperately pump milk – and when i sat up, I had intense pain on my abdomen. Couldnt move and felt like whacking my head for not taking the painkillers. In the end, woke M up and made him get the breast pump equipments and my painkillers.

2. Don’t forget to get these things when packing your bags:

Disposable briefs – at least a dozen! I ran out pretty quickly and made M buy me more.

Heavy duty pads – again at least a dozen. I’m day 7 now post birth and have used up 4 a day at least. I didnt realise how much heavy duty pads are needed the first time round and didnt have any when I went to hospital. My friend bought it for me, without even me asking! Macam tau saja I’ll be blur like that.

Breast pads – you’re gonna leak if you dont feed/pump in time and when you’re pumping, milk will leak out from the other breast!

3. Take laxatives and drink a lot if you’re on codeine! Or at least drink a lot, even if you’re not on codeine. Poo-ing will be difficult post c section — for me anyway — because it hurts to push and you’re scared your wound will burst (lol thats how it feels like!).

Someone gave a tip to have a bottle with you all the time, so you remember to drink. And one of the gifts to get a new mummy is a pretty water bottle to motivate her to drink. Plenty of fluids is good for milk production anyway!

(I dont drink a lot cos I keep forgetting – I should buy myself a pretty water bottle)

4. Do your kegels! and abdominal muscle exercises! Dont forget!!! I didnt do it last time and now paying for it – in the sense my abdominal muscles are not toned and now have a lot of toning to do.

5. It’s hard to predict how one’s
labour will be. Some takes longer to deliver, some break their waters and deliver within hours. Sometimes for whatever reason, you might need c section. I’ve learnt to berserah and leave it to Allah, whatever happens, happens. Having this mentality will take the stress and fear of the unknown. I guess, for me, I know what the procedures of normal delivery, forceps or ventouse delivery (like normal delivery but may need forceps or suction to help get baby out) or caesarean section. Reading up on them beforehand will take that fear of the unknown and you’re able to ‘go with the flow’.

That’s my take anyway. Knowledge for me gives some sense of control in the situation.

Love, me

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Just because

There’s a poster in the breastfeeding room in neonatal unit explaining what happens inthe first few days – week after birth, in terms of milk production and feeding. Randomly, it mentions how at day 3-4, mums can get emotional and that this is entirely normal.

It’s day 5 today and since that first emotional day after finding out re baby’s condition, I haven’t cried ever since. But today, there has been many snappy moments and ‘I
suddenly wanna cry, lump in my throat’ moments – with no trigger to it. Well, yknow aside from having my son still in hospital.

I can’t bring myself to talk to people about how I truly feel. Because I know that…

This too shall pass
I have to be patient
Baby will get better and be home soon
Things could be worse
Allah knows best
Ada hikmahnya ni


I just am sad. Just. Because.

So tonight I’m going to wallow in my tears, sad because I don’t have my son with me, that I am a new mother who feels useless without a baby cryinng for a feed every 1-2 hrs. That I dont know what to do with myself – not yet excited of this new chapter of my life but yet not too frightened of the future.

I want to be sad tonight and tomorrow I will smile again.

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Labour part deux

I can’t be bothered to write and explain everything from beginning, so I hope these pictures will do some justice and create some sort of scene to our journey so far.



It all started though like this….

My waters broke a few minutes before 9 pm. I remember this because that was the time I called my friend, panicking because my waters wont stop coming out.

We went to the Maternity Assessment unit after M came back from work. I haven’t packed my bag yet but my sis in law came over as soon as I called and packed stuff for me. Tip: pack your bags early!! Do not procrastinate like me! 34 weeks atu, pack tia!

This is me, bewildered at how my tummy has shrunk so much after the waters came out.


My contractions were not that regular yet… started off as one every 7-10 minutes. Buleh lagi control nada painkiller/gas and air ni.


I was strapped to the CTG machine to
monitor baby’s heart rate and my contractions. They wanted to observe me but nothing was happening, as in the contractions weren’t getting any quicker. I also had group B strep in my swab so they decided to induce me. Prolonging labour will increase risk of infection to baby, so we wanted to just get on with things and kickstart labour process.


Hours passed, night turned to dawn, M was tired post oncall.


So I told him to go home for a few hours. Then he can also sort out childcare. Zayan was looked after by my sis in law but she had to go
to work. So the plan was to send him to childminder that morning.

Syntocinon hurts!!! Contractions were getting more regular – one every 2-3 mins and hurts. I was able to sleep initially and then just sat quietly with the pain. M wasn’t there yet at 8 am and I was thinking mana kan yaaaaa. Menderita ku sorang hehe. Eventually succumbed to gas and air. I wasnt looking forward to it cos I didnt know how to use it last time and went bit cuckoo using it. Macam hallucinating ani.


This time though, I handled it like a pro. Booyah!!

Ok gtg… story to be continued.

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Labour Part 1

I’m so bored. I probably should go to sleep but I can’t. The sound of the CTG machine and the intermittent contractions – though not yet strong – is pretty distracting.

Part of me don’t want to document this journey yet but I know I’ll be too lazy/tired/busy/sleep deprived once baby arrives.

So I had my exam 3 days ago. It went ok but I cant say much. The last time I thought it went ok and had a good chance of passing but I didnt. So we’ll just wait and see.

Anyway, I felt like it was an achievement in itself not to go into labour before/during exam. My worst fear was that my waters would break in the middle of exam! Haha I even brought extra pants and heavy duty pads just in case. I’ve gotten SO huge and everyone kept saying I look like I’m going to pop anytime soon … so hence my fear.

Then on saturday, day after exam, we went to Legoland. ok so that may seem crazy looking back now – I’m 36 weeks, being huge, waddling and having a lot of pelvic pain. But do I deter it from having fun? NO! —- though by the end of the day, I was aching a lot and wishing I could jump into zayan’s stroller.

Yesterday we chilled out. M had bad migraine and we put off buying the crib for baby. I wanted to go to the shop today after M’s shift but he decided to do a locum.

So anywaaaaay this is when it might be TMI but hey you knew this was gonna be a labour story.

I was having dinner on the sofa and felt some watery discharge. But I was having watery discharge last few days – intermittent and brief – so I thought it was just another one of those. And then I stood up to wash my hands and then WOOSSSSHHHHH!

Like a bucket of fluid running down me.

And it wont stop! For minutes and minutes it wont stop!!! Then I didnt know what to do. zayan was preoccupied watching ipad and so I called my friend Louise, mother of 3. “Will it stop?? what do I do???” We ended up laughing a lot because neither of us had this experience. Both of us had our waters broken for us, so this was an entirely new experience.

I hung up, still unsure what to do. It won’t stop leaking and its not LEAK ok… its like continuous gushing of fluid. i dont want a trail of amniotic fluid all around my carpeted house!! Plusssss my phone abis tia battery!

Zayan eventually realised something was amiss. “Mama pee pee?”

I gave him instructions to get a towel and he eventually got it for me. Clever boy!! And some shoes for me (figured id rather have soaked shoes than my carpet). He still didnt get it when I told him to get my charger but its ok I eventually got it!!

Whilst waiting for mumtathil, I was waiting at the corner of our bedroom, near the phone charger. And the fluid didnt seem to stop coming out. zayan went ‘BLUEEEEE TOWELLLL’, which was actually hanging near me. Haha oh yehhh thank you Zayan!

haha zayan, zayan….

long story short, we’re in the hospital now. My contractions are few and far in between. I’m only 1 cm dilated so they’re gonna induce me.

I’m scared actually – of the whole birthing process. I havent really thought about it and having an emergency c section last time meant I didnt go into full blown labour and ‘missed out’ on it.

Oh well, as one of the ward clerks I used to work with said “You’ll just have to go through it somehow!”

To be continued…

love, me

Ps to those who are as blur as me, the amniotic fluid will just keep coming out!! Have plenty of towels around you and erm don’t laugh – that makes things worse.

PPS I was hoping now that my exam is over, I can finally give Zayan some ‘mama and him’ time. Kesian nda tia dapat. Sokay, Allah is the best planner. Mama love you, Zayan, and I’m sure you’re gonna love baby. what with all the kisses and hugs you give to my belly.

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Pregnancy update

It’s been awhile I know (how many times have I started a post like that???)….

This is what’s been happening and the reasons behind the lack of writing.

1. I am now 35 weeks pregnant. I am also huge… like disproprortionately huge. Everything else seems to stay the same except for my tummy. I think no way can it expand more but ladies and gents, every morning I wake up and realise that it can.


I hate playing the pregnant card (‘being the disabled cos I’m pregnant’ card I mean) and so far I’m coping well. Alhamdulillah, no symptoms really except for the pelvic pain. Ok, let me talk about that!! I dont remember having much pelvic pain …. but oh my, I feel for all the women with SPD now! It HURTS! The annoying thing is that it hurts after sitting for awhile or in certain sitting and lying positions. Lying down is no longer a comfort. I have to find a position in bed that is the most comfortable and then I cant move to change positions cos it hurts. My pelvis hurts, my back hurts and changing positions actually hurts my tummy. I cant explain it but imagine you have a whole load of bricks strapped on your tummy that is well supported by a pouch. It’s well supported usually so it doesnt hurt your back or hips
much …. then you wanna lie down on your back and instantly it hurts because the bricks are pressing on you. So you turn to lie on your side but its so heavy that it hurts to roll over. Eventually you get to your side and lie comfortably… after awhile your back starts to hurt being in that position, it wants to rest. But you know you cant lie on your back, so how now brown cow??

THAT is my dilemma every single night.

I have bought a very very very expensive pillow and I’m happy to say it has helped cut down discomfort. I do wish I can go back
to lying on my back… I miss lying on my back.

You know what, my theory is that women go through these hardships before giving birth so that our body gets used to the sleep deprivation that is to come postnatally.

The other symptom that I have now – and didnt have with Zayan – is the itchiness of my tummy!! Actually, I’ve changed my stretch mark oil (from cocoa butter thing to Bio oil) and actually its not as itchy now. LOL maybe the cocoa butter didnt work for me. And Bio oil smells nicer. And am I dreaming but my skin actually looks better…????

Oh stretch marks…. I know its part and parcel of pregnancy. But I’m much bigger now than I was with zayan and not surprisingly, have gotten stretch marks (also when We moved house, I couldnt find my cream for awhile). Now I know I’m supposed to embrace this and be proud of my battle scars. But I would be dishonest if I didnt admit now how depressed I was when it appeared.

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Silverstone experience


Booked a driving experience at Silverstone for dear husband as an advanced bday gift. For some reason, it was cheaper to drive a Ferrari and Aston martin than just Ferrari – but then again I dont know what kind of Ferrari it was for the latter (maybe more super exciting fast ferrari?).

He’s not a major car fan or into F1 even but figured it’s one of those things that would be great to experience. Especially since our days are numbered before baby no 2 (aka before we hibernate for nx 6 mths-1 yr).😂😂

Managed to keep it a surprise all the way till we got there (“we have to collect your present which is an hour away…” lol so ominous). Must say, I’m not a car fan but hearing those engines roar are pretty exhilirating (alum lagi driving).

My words before he started were ‘be careful!! dont go crazy!!!’ hehe mau membalikan tapi takut jua banarnya.

Glad he enjoyed it and Zayan – the most car fan of us – were most excited to see the cara whizzing past.

Love you sayang,

From now on, your bday presents would be boring ok as nothing can top driving a Ferrari. Unless yknow I buy you one….


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September 7, 2014 · 11:06 pm